“Pain is a promise, but so is peace.”
– God to me, 2.26.19
This blog post is going to be a little different than usual. Unlike most, I’m beginning this post unsure of what the happy ending will be…or if there will be a happy ending.
The past year has been the year from hell for me. I have lost friends. I have lost myself. I have tossed God aside. I have lived a wretched, fearful life…I guess more accurately 2019 has been the year from heaven wherein God is stretching me and growing me just like I asked Him to. Blah, blah, blah. Bottom line: It has sucked. I don’t have a lot of words these days. I mostly just sit, eat, sleep, exist, then do it all again the next day.
Now that I’ve established where I’m at this year, I would like to share with you a journal entry I wrote a few nights ago on October 19, 2019:
Sleep looks different now. Then again, so do most things.
I’m finding it gets harder before it gets easier…I’m told it will get easier.
They say healing is a process and you can’t put a time limit on it. You just have to heal as you go and grow and do whatever it is you do. But that’s just the thing: Right now, I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I feel like I don’t know who I am. I feel like I don’t know where or why I am. I just know whose I am.
I am God’s beloved child.
Healing is not a glamorous process by any means, but it is humbling and beautiful, harder than hell and more glorious than the words this Earthly life can provide me with.
Most days are hard. God gives me the grace to be in pain, but then reminds me of the good. Then good days come (Praise the Lord!), but just as quickly as the good comes, the enemy comes to remind me of the bad. (Go figure.) All around, it’s really hard to exist right now, right here.
In the name of being honest, I’d rather not tell you my life’s all rainbows and butterflies. However, for fear of vulnerability, I would rather not share the fact that I cry most days. That’s the thing though: I would rather be imprisoned in pain and telling you so while asking for prayers as opposed to smelling roses and telling you life’s all dandy with a fake smile plastered to my face.
PLEASE NOTE: I have not given up hope. I can’t. He’s too good. God has held me from day one through to today, so I doubt he’d toss his hands up and say he’s done with me now.
Lol. I can just see it: “WELP! There goes Tyler, again. Being all depressed, not believing this life and pain are temporary. Not believing I am healing her feelings of sorrow and worry while giving her the fortitude she needs to continue on. She’s too hurt and too broken. I’m done with her. If she’s not gonna trust me fully, I’m outtie.”
That would be the dumbest. For starters, I’ve messed up time and time again and yet God hasn’t forgotten me or let me go. Why would he now in a place where I am simply walking through the pain of my past? Secondly, even if I don’t trust Him fully, I am doing what I can to love and trust him with my obedience. Giving Him my “yes” while being as terrified and angry as I am has been the biggest faith builder in my life thus far. He NEVER fails to show up for me and do what he’s promised.
So yeah, this $π|+ is hard, but God is tougher. And yeah, my heart feels broken and as if a fat rhino sat on it, but this is what it looks like for me to have my shadows be brought into the Light of Life.
At first, I felt very depressed about my whole situation. Not gonna lie, I still mostly do. But then somewhere along the way, Someone reminded me to refer back to the words of John 16:32-33 “32 …Yet I am not alone because the Father is with me. 33 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth, you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”
His promise to me is one of pain and sorrow, but also one of peace.
Forgive me, but I am an encourager by nature and feel led to extend this same offer to you. Yes, your life has been marked by the moments that marred your heart. Yes, you may currently feel defeated. Yes, you might have even given up a few times on a few things or a few people (including yourself), but that’s just the middle. The in-between.
God gave us peace walking into it so that in the middle, where the trials and sorrow exist, he could remind us of his peace. That way when we walk through to the end we can revel in the fact that we too, through Christ, have overcome the world.
SO… I guess this post ends with hope anyways…despite the fact that I’m still depressed. Depressed, not just a little sad or down. I’m friggin’ struggling here. I feel like I’m drowning most days, but I STILL HAVE HOPE. Even if my blessings and the redemption of this pain don’t come to me this side of heaven, I have hope for restoration. The End.