The Journey OF Authentic Faith

Faith (n.)

1. a : allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty
2. b (1) : fidelity to one’s promises
   b (2) : sincerity of intentions
3. a (1) belief and trust in and loyalty to God
   a (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion
   b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof
   b (2) : complete trust
4. something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs

These are the typical definitions we think of when discussing faith. And let’s not forget the “Christian” definition: Hebrews 11:1 – “Faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen.” I never felt like I understood faith, despite these seemingly clear definitions and all the church sermons on faith I had attended. In fact, the more I  researched definitions and listened to sermons the more I felt like I was “doing” faith wrong. Therein lies the problem, faith is not something you do.

Some of you kind souls have been with me on this “journey to authentic faith” from the beginning. Others of you have joined my journey somewhere along the road. (Shoutout to my Living Waters and Jessup friends/family!!) Another portion of you have no clue who I am or what I am doing. (Welcome to the club! I’m still figuring out that last bit myself!) If you’re a part of the latter group, here’s a link to my first blog post of this series: Collide: A Journey to Authentic Faith.

To briefly catch you all up, I just spent the fall semester at the college of my dreams, William Jessup University. Those four or so months, though they contained many of the best moments of my life, also contained a few of the worst. October held the death of an old acquaintance. It was absolutely heartbreaking and weighed heavy upon my heart for many reasons. The biggest reason was God had put this man on my heart a couple months prior and told me to reach out, but for whatever reason I didn’t… And then this beautiful soul was just gone; undone by the work of his own hands. Maybe my words wouldn’t have changed his mind, but maybe they would have. Maybe my words would have changed his mind long enough for God to bless him with a new outlook on life and on himself. As I let all the “what if” questions get the best of me I thought back to when I knew this particular person. I was only 12 and we weren’t exactly friends. I was a very prickly person at this age, but mostly because I was ready to be done with life. There was one particular day I prepared myself for the emotional pain to be over as I sat in my bedroom with a knife held in my shaking hand pressed to my wrist. However, God had other plans. Holy Spirit stopped me and said He had so much more for me. Anyways, all the feelings of this sweet, talented, young man’s death brought me back to that day in my room. This heightened the feelings I had been battling throughout the three months I had been at school making me question why I wasn’t allowed to leave all those years ago. How selfish of me, right? I mean, here I am wondering why I didn’t get to leave my misery as all these wonderful people were mourning the loss of their loved one. Finally, the weight of this event and the build up of my own anxiety and depression came toppling down on me. I couldn’t take anymore. I drove to my special look out point as I sobbed, screamed, and fought every feeling telling me life wasn’t worth the pain. I fought every feeling telling me to end it all. I begged God to give me a reason to stay, and that’s exactly what He did.

First, He had me read Ephesians three. Within this chapter were the verses to become my direction for the future. Second, Holy Spirit told me to look up. To my left was a rainbow signifying His promises to me were good and would not be broken. Only now am I piecing together He was renewing His promise to me from when I was 12. God had and still has far more than I could ever ask or imagine to work in and through my life (Eph. 3:20). Straight ahead of me was a female golden eagle. God used her to remind me of my treasured verse, Isaiah 40:31, “but those who trust in the LORD will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint.” Lastly, Holy Spirit had me look to my right where there was a sea of storm clouds and one powerful ray of light bursting through. He reminded me His light will always shine through the dark to guide me. As I wrote this, He brought to my attention Matthew 4:16, which says, “the people living in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.” How fitting.

This quote on SurferToday.com caught my eye awhile back and I think it’s quite wonderful. (Do I surf? Not even a little bit, but this page of wave quotes was too interesting to not read.) “Feelings are much like waves: we can’t stop them from coming, but we can choose which one to surf.” We can ride the waves, but what happens when we get pulled under? For a moment it can feel like we’ve lost all sense of time, all sense of control, all sense of where and who we are. It’s a fight to survive. I felt defeated when I looked at the power of my wave. How was I ever going to overcome it? How was I ever going to break free from this powerful weight pushing me down? My pain was too much to bear. It was all “I” and “me” and “my.” Despite what I had heard and read in the Bible about being “saved by grace through faith (Ephesians 2:8),” or doing “all things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13),” I was taught by the words and actions of many Christians that working out your salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12) meant working for your salvation and for God’s love. As a perfectionist, this way of faith always made more sense to me, than the seemingly wishy-washy faith of Christians who just loved God and let him love them back. However, as I sat on the hilltop in my little Subaru Legacy, God began to open my heart even more to the reality that His legacy is love. I don’t think it’s a coincidence legacy is another word for inheritance.

After my encounter with God, I began a process of letting Him redefine many words for me. You may have already read the blog wherein I wrote about God redefining “love” for me. (If not, you can read that post here: LOVE.) Here’s what Holy Spirit taught me about faith:

“Faith isn’t about how well we perform or put on a front of spiritual soundness. Faith is about love, because it’s about Jesus. Faith is about the freedom to be who God has made you to be, who you truly are, as you walk imperfectly, like a child, to the arms of the Father. Faith is about being fully human, but knowing and believing you have a supernatural God within you. The same God that rose Jesus from the grave. The same God that heals, brings freedom, bestows grace and deploys angel armies to fight for you. Faith is not about being the perfect follower of Jesus or pretending you have it all together when you’re really falling apart. Faith is saying you’re not okay, but trusting God to make a way.”

Hebrews 12:1-2 says this, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.” I want to focus on the bolded section for a moment. Somewhere along the way I rewrote this section and maybe you have, too. In my mind it read, “We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, and in doing so we will initiate and perfect our faith.” All those years I spent feeling like I wasn’t “doing” faith right came from a place of trying to “do” faith. Faith is not a verb. It’s not something we do. Faith is a noun: a person, place or thing. Faith is who we are as a Body of Christ and where we live as the Bride of Christ. Faith is our inheritance as the children of God. So the next time you feel yourself striving to “do” faith, remember: We are to strip off every weight that slows us down; including the weight we put on ourselves.

I want to thank all of you for joining me on this “journey to authentic faith,” but now it’s time for this series to come to a close. At some point I realized there is no journey TO authentic faith, only the journey OF authentic faith, because faith is not a destination. It’s a narrow road we choose to take when all else tells us the wide road would be easier and more fulfilling (Matthew 7:13-14).

Thank you all so very much for your love and support! God bless!